Fanboy Fertilizer & Other BS

Editorial - Warning, this article is rated PG-13.

Recently, I did a column on Fanboys - and their disastrous attitudes towards parks - and toward others. As parks go into pregnancy announcement season, these kids start spewing off a mega-pile of fertilizer - AKA new ride BULLSHIT.

Written by RD Sussman

Does it get any more fanboy than wearing a Cedar Point shirt to Magic Mountain?

Now this isn't a new trend; but it really began at the advent of the internet - and countless sites dedicated to parks, coasters & other fun activities. It was this forum base that gave us the start of some large-scale liars, and people who can't tell the truth to save their lives. Their ability to post anonymously and to be able to claim crap began to erupt out into the boards flooding every page with rumors.

I can say this: If I had a penny for each unsubstantiated rumor, I'd be a billionaire.

The scary part of this is how many people buy into this endless rumor mill of crap; they flood every single page with incessant fanboy-fed & fueled bullshit. I've seen so many of these false threads that it isn't even funny: Of each rumor, the ratio is successfully 1-1000. For every ONE rumor that ends up occurring, 1000 are pure bullshit. You can dry them out, put them on the veggie garden, and get prize winning tomatoes. I have heard (as we all have) some real whoppers too.

Apparently the 2nd best ride ever

Apparently the best ride ever

Fanboy Bullshit #1: Anything Cedar Point. You know who I'm talking about too - the CP Fanboys who KNOW EVERYTHING IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE. The ones who spend every moment of their lives fantasizing about how they want CP to be, and that they KNOW it is about to happen, and that it will be the BIGGEST THING EVAR! Every year in June these kids begin spewing forth every possible rumor under the sun - and some are real whoppers. While CP knows what they're doing: These kids do not. And yet, they want you to believe they know EVERYTHING that is going on. Everything. "CP is building a 500 ft. tall drop tower!" "CP is building the world's _______ B&M coaster!" "CP is taking over all of Sandusky to build a BIGGER CP!" Yes, folks, one of the largest producers of garden fertilizer is the CP fanboy.

An Intamin that's actually running

Standing around waiting to see if an Intamin will actually run

Fanboy Bullshit #2: IntaFanboys. These sub-species of the CP fanboys are nearly as rabid, but have even LOWER IQs. And they are RABID, a condition which even the CP fanboys don't have. They will fertilize you into oblivion about the NEXT big Intamin project - and they're confirmed, of course, that will be XXX feet tall, and go XXXX miles per hour, and it will be built at __________ park next year! And they know it too - and are first in line to feed you their crap, that Intamin is the greatest company in the history of EVAR!!! If you ever need steer manure, find it here. It's good quality as well.

Getting a rehab, yes, not necessarily RMC and not Iron Horse. It's not Knott's style.

Nothing wrong at all with Rebel Yell

Fanboy Bullshit #3: Our wooden coaster,________ is getting an RMC CONVERSION! Over the past few years, this Fanboy movement is just that: An oversized fanboy bowel movement. And the worst part of it is that they are so ABSOLUTELY sure that it is coming, that they'll go so far as to create photoshopped pictures of RMC employees in front of the coaster they want converted. And they will LIE IN SPADES that they swear it is happening. The worst of these offenders can be found around some of the best wooden coasters in the world: Kings Dominion. Their rumor-mongering about Grizzly (A fine, well-run & well loved wooden twister) is becoming so bad that KD's flowers have never looked lovelier!

Now I can fully understand a love & respect for a home park, ride or attraction: I'm devout to the Germans...but even for me my #1 is an Arrow. I find that these people who automatically eschew other parks/rides because of how they feel about their OWN park/ride is a bit ludicrous. They will not acknowledge anything OTHER than those parks/rides, and are willing to lie to make sure they feel their park is BEST FOREVER! "XXX park isn't as good as MY park is, because we're getting _____ next year." You get the idea.

Now I can hear a few of you saying "But aren't YOU a German Fanboy?" To which I say this: I'm a huge fan of German rides (Particularly the ones coming from Munsterhausen, Bavaria, DE) but I will NOT publically speculate on what is coming and where. That's irresponsible - and doesn't represent who I am, or what I believe. I would go BEZERK to see every park in the USA get a Gerstlauer Infinity coaster, a MACK Blue Fire system, or a Zierer ESC coaster - but let's be realistic: The parks know what they want, and they'll build exactly what they feel is right. I have no say in this, but to hope for a new German.

So how do we fix the excessive fertilizer piles created by Fanboy Bullshit? Simply put: We stop acknowledging their crap. Ignore their pleas for attention. Walk away from their incessant spewing of rumors. And start to enjoy parks as they are, and not for what a select minority of bullshit producers feel they should be.

R.D.
8/20/15

Be sure to let us know your thoughts about RD's article, agree, disagree, want to yell at us ... go right ahead. But before you do, be sure you get tickets to our Six Flags Magic Mountain Fright Fest event on October 2. (shameless plug)

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Fanboy Fertilizer & Other BS

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